Choking on Words

It's Summer!

2012-01-27T15:54:00.001-08:00

Yet doesn't feel so:
Melbourne's weather is like a lady who can't make up her mind
-Bao Bao-

Do you agree? Hahaha. Its been hot and cold here (like Katy Perry's song). But I still enjoy it. Not that I go to the beach often, or at all, I am enjoying my new housemate bringing me back fried chicken from GAMI on Lt. Lonsdale and Exhibition for my munching on a summer night. Also the rains that become frequent because of the hot air. Various things that make life that much easier to live.

Summer means one less day to my impending departure from this unhealthy environment. But do note that I mean that in the nicest way. While I enjoy the company of my friends and family, I feel increasingly discontented with my surroundings., with what I have and what I can achieve being overwhelmingly not enough for me. Yet I cannot comprehend what it is I want.

Is what I feel the psychological disorder termed a burnout? I want to be better to achieve more but always feel too exhausted to pursue it. Hence, my plan to escape. Though the details only a few know, I haven't shared it with the most important people. My only concern is what if this so-called plan does not aid my psychological state mind, instead aggravates it further? I certainly hope not!

Still. I shall venture and try it out. For it should be a million times better than being stuck here working in a company that creates so much inner anger. Not good for the organs and certainly no better for the skin!

Wish me luck ^_^
(though there's still 140 days to go!)

Who am I?

2011-11-05T04:08:00.001-07:00

Do you remember the movie by Jackie Chan called 'Who Am I?'? I remember watching it with such laughter. But when I really try to think about what I like and who I actually am, it's no longer funny. Without all the responsibilities and the elder sibling instincts plus a heavy conscience, who would I be today?

I know many argue that these are inseparable, that they form a part of who I am. However, I feel so frustrated with myself because I'm always trying to fight this automated reactions and fail. I feel like I'm living for those around me, not for me. That with each passing day a part of me is slowly dying. Contributing to my complacency that now I just live my days dwelling away, when I'm not thinking of what I want my life to be like or what it's supposed to be, I just do what I think I'm most expected to do, or rather what is right, or mostly just avoid the things I know I'm not supposed to do or the person I'm not supposed to be. Basically, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. But surely, this is not all its meant to be?

Maybe that is why I love reading. In those stories, even if your life is fading away into dust, when everything that can go wrong goes wrong, one thing will go right that makes it all worth it. To think that I'm fighting to keep the spark in me alive will one day be met with satisfaction or even contentment, that one day it was all done for me and only me, not just because I have to live the right life for the right reasons. I want that day to come, the day when I stop feeling sorry for myself, stop feeling frustrated over my frustrations, stop hating that I can't find my way, stop feeling out of place.

Because now it just seems to be a pathetic life where my happiest moments are those where I blank out my mind and just watch tv shows or listen to music. I want to stop relying on books, where the right books will answer all your questions, and even the wrong books will teach you something if not nothing at all. I want to stop shopping because I feel discontent, stop crying for no reason .

People tell me that maybe I just need to live a little. But how do you live when you don't know how to start?

“Don't exist.
Live.
Get out, explore.
Thrive.
Challenge authority. Challenge yourself.
Evolve.
Change forever.
Become who you say you always will. Keep moving. Don't stop. Start the revolution. Become a freedom fighter. Become a superhero. Just because everyone doesn't know your name doesn't mean you dont matter.
Are you happy? Have you ever been happy? What have you done today to matter? Did you exist or did you live? How did you thrive?
Become a chameleon-fit in anywhere. Be a rockstar-stand out everywhere. Do nothing, do everything. Forget everything, remember everyone. Care, don't just pretend to. Listen to everyone. Love everyone and nothing at the same time. Its impossible to be everything,but you can't stop trying to do it all.
All I know is that I have no idea where I am right now. I feel like I am in training for something, making progress with every step I take. I fear standing still. It is my greatest weakness.
I talk big, but often don't follow through. That's my biggest problem. I don't even know what to think right now. It's about time I start to take a jump. Fuck starting to take. Just jump-over everything. Leap.
It's time to be aggressive. You've started to speak your mind, now keep going with it, but not with the intention of sparking controversy or picking a germane fight. Get your gloves on, it's time for rebirth. There IS no room for the nice guys in the history books.
THIS IS THE START OF A REVOLUTION. THE REVOLUTION IS YOUR LIFE. THE GOAL IS IMMORTALITY. LET'S LIVE, BABY. LET'S FEEL ALIVE AT ALL TIMES. TAKE NO PRISONERS. HOLD NO SOUL UNACCOUNTABLE, ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR OWN. IF SOMETHING DOESN'T HAPPEN, IT'S YOUR FAULT.
Make this moment your reckoning. Your head has been held under water for too long and now it is time to rise up and take your first true breath.
Do everything with exact calculation, nothing without meaning. Do not make careful your words, but make no excuses for what you say. Fuck em' all. Set a goal for everyday and never be tired.”
― Brian Krans, A Constant Suicide

After uni Accreditations

2011-11-04T07:25:00.001-07:00

Quite a bit of our time at university is spent on, not only researching what the after-uni life is like, but also what is needed to survive. We try and listen to all opinions and undoubtedly pick one that we are most inclined to believe works and follow.

As an accounting student, though I must confess it was never as interesting as it was boring, I was always looking into the options I had or the exams I needed to take after I graduated. Always using this information to calculate how haggard I would look by the time I completed them all and became a full-fledged practicing accountant. I attended those career fairs where firms threw you with requirements left right and centre. But even then it was not easy to decide.

Coming from an Asian country, ACCA by the British was always the predominant product on the market. I believe this is for its flexibility in its prerequisites, enabling those from any working background, and without a relevant degree, to enroll in exams. The advantage of being an accounting graduate were the exemptions from a number of exams, shortening completion time. It's rules were less rigid.

Then you had the accreditation of Chartered Accountant salutation from the ICAEW of UK. These had more prerequisites in entering the accreditation program and included work requirements. This is similar to the ICAA of Australia and the CPA Australia. Both had professional work requirements with ICAA, like ICAEW, requiring a valid job and exams completed in conjunction with each other while CPA required the professional work component completed at the time of the last paper exam. This deemed CPA a more flexible, yet still maintaining its practical component, choice.

Which would you pick? Forego a CA title in favor of the flexibility to travel hole studying initially? Or hunker down and start a job even when you are burned out?

Re-introducing

2011-10-27T05:13:00.000-07:00

I am normal. Just like everyone. Sometimes I get the blues, especially when reading, my mind wanders, sometimes I get insomnia for no apparent reason, and most often of all I get my beloved allergies which make me sneeze multiple times a day, or itch like an ape, making me appear like a maniac in the office.

When I'm mentally tired, I can feel the dark clouds creeping up on me. But I've decided to try even harder to be more positive, try to step up to life more for the remainder of the year. I've thought hard of different approaches to relieve myself of my internal conflicts. With so many deaths surrounding us nowadays, especially it happening to the youngest of us, it terrifies me that life is shorter than we assume it to be, the number of those who reason it better to take their lives constantly increasing, even those with the clean health records dropping dead in an instant.

Hence, this will be a journal of my journey against the negativity and hardships that pop up in life. That while I might complain, I adhere to the saying, or at least try to:
"Some people complain because God put thorns on roses, while others praise Him for putting roses among thorns".

This is to me 'Cheers~'!